Queer Shelf Help: How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

Welcome back to Queer Shelf Help—your curated guide to the books that help us love better, live deeper, and show up more fully as our queer selves.

This time, we’re diving into a foundational read for anyone craving more grounded, authentic relationships:How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo.

Whether you're navigating queer dating, deepening a long-term partnership, or just trying to heal your connection with yourself, this book offers a clear path forward.

The Big Idea - Queer Shelf Help

Richo argues that mindful loving—rooted in presence, maturity, and emotional intelligence—is the foundation of healthy relationships. He lays out five essential elements of love: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing.

These are the Five A’s, and they’re simple, powerful, and game-changing.

Why This Matters for Queer People

Let’s be real: many queer folks grew up without healthy models of queer love. Instead, we were often taught to shrink, perform, or survive—not to be emotionally present and safe in love.

Richo’s work feels like a warm, wise friend saying: You are worthy of real, rooted love. Here's how to give and receive it.

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The Five A’s, Queered

1. Attention

Being present. Really seeing someone.

Queer Reframe: When so much of our identity has been ignored or erased, being seen with full attention is healing. Offer that same gift back.

2. Acceptance

Letting someone be who they are, without trying to fix or change them.

Queer Reframe: We’ve had to fight to be accepted. This is your reminder: you deserve partners who embrace all of you—and vice versa.

3. Appreciation

Noticing and naming what’s good.

Queer Reframe: Queer joy often comes in small, glittering moments. Don’t let them go unspoken. Celebrate each other openly and often.

4. Affection

Physical and verbal expressions of love.

Queer Reframe: Tenderness is radical. Public affection, in queer love, can feel risky—but it can also be an act of reclamation.

5. Allowing

Letting others grow, change, and be free.

Queer Reframe: We’re not here to control each other—we’re here to witness one another’s evolution. Love doesn’t cage. It expands.

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What Gets in the Way

Richo doesn’t sugarcoat it: a lot of us struggle to offer or receive the Five A’s because of past wounds—often from childhood or early relationships.

For queer folks, those wounds might include:

• Rejection from family or faith communities

• Being bullied or silenced

• Not seeing queer love modeled healthily

• Experiencing toxic dynamics in our first queer relationships

This book helps untangle those knots with compassion, and offers clear, healing insights.

Mindful Loving = Being Present

A major theme is mindfulness. Richo invites us to show up in our relationships with curiosity instead of control, response instead of reaction.

He teaches that love isn’t about perfect behavior—it’s about being real, being awake, and being kind.

Queer Wisdom + Richo’s Map

Pair this book with your own queer wisdom—your intuition, your lived experience, and your chosen family. Use the Five A’s not just in romantic partnerships, but across your friendships, community work, and self-relationship.

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Reflection Prompt

Which of the Five A’s is hardest for you to receive?Which one do you most easily give?How might your relationships shift if you practiced these more mindfully?

Final Thoughts

How to Be an Adult in Relationships isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being human—with presence, accountability, and grace.

For queer people trying to love each other better, this book is less of a rulebook and more of a mirror. It says: Yes, you've been hurt—but you can still love deeply. Mindfully. Fiercely.

And that? That’s real adulting.

Next up on Queer Shelf Help? You decide.Got a queer classic or an unexpected gem that helped you love better? Let us know—we’re building this library together.